As the year winds down, many of us will be pressured—by our closest friends, whom we have known since childhood, by beautiful crushes—to kiss 2014 goodbye with a skinny dipping romp. However, many of us are unsure about the etiquette of nude frivolity.
In the spirit of the year's end The Beach Company presents: Skinny Dipping 101.
Do I have to skinny dip?
You do not. Many people prefer not to cavort naked with others outside of the boudoir. For these people #YOLO is not a justification for selfish madness, but a reminder to live very carefully. Many of them grow up to be captains of industry!
A great way to appear spontaneous and fun while not stripping down to show off your jubblies (or your jigglies) is to jump into the body of water with all your clothes on. Now you're not the plain potato who refused to take part in a bacchanalian adventure. You're the curly fry who was so ready to get crazy you didn't even waste time removing your clothes. But aren't you worried you'll ruin your silk dress? Hell no because, guess what, you're rich. Everybody loves you! (It's also perfectly acceptable to hop in wearing just underwear, if you don't want people to think you're rich.)
Can I just stay on land and watch? I'm okay with being a plain potato.
No, you cannot. Staying on the sidelines and watching makes you a perverted potato. If you don't want to hop in the water, you should either turn your back, or remove yourself from the area. Active participation is the price you pay for witnessing skinny dipping antics.
My friends and I are all skinny dipping. Now can I ogle?
Skinny dipping is not for ravishing your acquaintances' naked forms with your eyes. Skinny dipping is about enjoying the pleasant "Water is everywhere!" sensations of a bathtub in an even larger bathtub. Try to interact with people as you normally would, keeping your gaze on their face!
What if I'm the only one who wants to skinny dip?
Under no circumstances should you ever be the only person in a party who is skinny dipping. It does not speak well of you that you are so obsessed with the idea of being naked in front of others that you are willing to force it on group, even if no one else thinks it's a good idea. Best case scenario, people will stop inviting you to hang out with them, because you will earn a reputation as The Guy (or Girl) Who Makes Everyone Else Uncomfortable by Constantly Taking Off His (or Her) Clothes.
What's the best way to go from wearing lots of clothes to wearing no clothes?
Unless you are a professional practitioner of the stripping arts, you may have a hard time looking good while removing your clothes. Make up for this by embracing spontaneity. Once you are submerged, remove your underwear and toss it onto the shore. Maybe swing it around your head with a little "woop!" first.
What's the policy on stealing clothes?
Don't do it.
That being said, there will always be a guy who tries to embarrass his or her friends by stealing their clothes. If you are that dguy: leave behind shoes, to protect modesty and/or feet. To avoid being the victim: hide your clothes and hide them well.
Where and when is skinny dipping appropriate?
Skinny dipping is most appropriate at night, in a private water source. Pools, lakes, and beaches all work equally well, though creatures of the deep are least likely to lodge themselves in your crevices of the deep in a pool. Do not skinny dip with minors. Do not skinny dip at public beaches or famed religious sites, even if you are totally in the shadows and probably no one can even see you there, right? Someone can see you there. Do not force your nakedness on them.
You guys are like my best friends and I want to remember this night forever. Can we take pictures if we promise never to share them?
Under no circumstances is ANYONE allowed to take photos. Embellished memories will have to suffice. If you're unable to retain memories because you're drunk, it's too dangerous for you to be swimming in the first place. No one whom you would describe as "like my best friend" is actually your best friend.